Another Sunday guys, This a series that is ongoing as long as the blog is live. It’s a once in a blue moon personal post about an experience or something I would like to share. This post wasn’t easy but we will find a way to make it work.
How does it feel? It feels like my heart is in a constant loop trying to find something or fill a space but it can’t find a perfect fit so it just keeps looping. August is one month that I don’t look forward to, my dad’s memorial always made the house quiet, it was 21 years on August 7th.
August 9th 2018 at 21:30 my heart stopped for a minute. I questioned everything and nothing made sense anymore. I had the worst news in my life, “Hey Oscar our sister is no more, be strong”. I didn’t even know what being strong was, I paced for over an hour I thought about everything and nothing, I decided to maybe leave a message and it was 21:31 at that time. I paced for an hour and only a minute had gone by.
I lost faith for a while but I had to be strong, the pain was so much and I didn’t know which was worse the pain of loss or the pain of watching everyone grieve over the one person that always wanted everyone to be happy. I always knew deep down that she won’t want to see me broken and I held on to that thought the whole time. I felt betrayed and I couldn’t even pray because I was angry, I didn’t know what to tell God. Should I thank him? Or pray for his protection for my family and I? What should I say?
We loved wearing matching outfits and she always got me a T-shirt that looked like something she already had, she won’t cook if I wasn’t in the kitchen with her and she was always happy to skip school to stay with me whenever I was sick. Sometimes we planned it, Mummy would always say “If you don’t want anything to get done, leave Oscar and Ijay in the same house” and then all of a sudden I’m meant to be strong. She’s in a better place, that’s what I kept hearing but eventually I understood.
The one thing I have learned from loss is that we should appreciate the ones we have here more. I want to send my love to my whole family and I want you guys to know that I love and appreciate you. We may not have it all together but together we have it all. I will talk about the rest of us one day.
Memories are all I have and a few pictures and messages. It’s been two years already and still feels like it was yesterday. I really miss you, sometimes I wonder what you are up to or what you would have been doing if you were here. I miss your food, you made the best Jollof rice, I miss talking with you till you fall asleep and you keep denying that you’re not sleeping, I miss struggling for the remote control or arguing about random things.
I love you so much and I hope you have fun with all your new angel friends. Till we meet again. Send my regards to Daddy.
This was intense. So I have a tip for the week. When next a stranger talks to you when you’re alone, look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”. Tell me if you try this.
Next weeks post might have some Japanese, hmm… not sure yet… Okay, gotta run now. Have a blessed week Bye 🙂